


poppies and sunflowers

by kallie_co



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, AsaNoya - Freeform, Brace yourselves, Hanahaki Disease, Haven't Decided On A Happy or Tragic Ending, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, This Could Go So Wrong, daisuga - Freeform, ennotana - Freeform, hanahaki disease au, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-07-13 07:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16012718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallie_co/pseuds/kallie_co
Summary: Hinata wasn’t one to let anything get in the way of volleyball.  Ever since he finally had a team in college, his attention has been focused solely on the sport and what keeps him there.  After all, he doesn’t feel too much after his operation.  Instead he spends his days practicing and studying and sleeping and eating.  His life is filled with the utter solitude of only feeling merely okay.  After the bittersweet graduation of high school, he hasn’t felt much actually.





	1. Chapter 1

Hinata wasn’t one to let anything get in the way of volleyball.  Ever since he finally had a team in college, his attention has been focused solely on the sport and what keeps him there.  After all, he doesn’t feel too much after his operation.  Instead he spends his days practicing and studying and sleeping and eating.  His life is filled with the utter solitude of only feeling merely okay.  After the bittersweet graduation of high school, he hasn’t felt much actually.

            --

            Hinata could hide it at first.  The few petals and sharp pains could be hidden.

            “I must’ve eaten something.”

            He could hide the blue poppies.  No one knew, and, at first, Hinata was excited.  Karasuno was a new school, so who knew who he had love for?  Obviously, it had to be someone on the volleyball team, because they were the only people he knew well enough to love.  Once he figured it out though, then he could make them fall in love with him too.

            In his second year, after Daichi and Suga had professed their love and went to college, and Asahi promised to visit Nishinoya as often as possible, Hinata could rule those four out.  There was no way he was interested in Tsukishima.  He thought long and hard about the remaining teammates.  Tanaka was nice, but Hinata wanted him to confess to Ennoshita more than anything.  Yamaguchi followed Tsukishima around like a lost puppy.  Kageyama was Hinata’s best friend, but Hinata was fairly sure that they were on the same page.  They both meant so much to each other.

            “Hinata, do you think it’s time we get girlfriends?”  Kageyama glanced at the couples surrounding them.  Tsukki and Yamaguchi had apparently been dating since they were young.  Nishinoya had Asahi, Daichi had Suga, Tanaka had Ennoshita.  This is when Hinata realized that there was only one person who could make him feel this way.  And it was Kageyama.  That is when Hinata gave up on ever getting rid of this disease naturally.

            Of course, being such great friends, it’s not like Hinata could hide every time he doubled over at the feeling of blooming flowers.  It’s not like he could hold the petals in his mouth during a game.  Hanahaki disease brought terrible sorrows unto Hinata’s life.

            To start, he lost his position.  The volleyball team still did okay, but every time Kageyama and Hinata got a successful quick in, the petals would force themselves out with even more determination.  Kageyama always walked him back to the bench, making sure he got all of them out before drinking some water.

            Then, his schoolwork suffered.  Kageyama came over to study, which eventually lead to him resting his head in Hinata’s lap as Hinata quizzed him.  Kageyama was always quick to leap up and find a trashcan for Hinata.  He only left his side for a moment as Hinata regurgitated blue poppies to return with a cool rag and some milk.  He held Hinata’s hair back and traced a line up and down his spine until the spasms stopped.

            Hinata used to imagine what it would be like if Kageyama did love him.  He imagined all sorts of scenarios.

            Hinata throwing up flowers so vehemently to find that he was just coughing now, with no petals to be found.  The pain would be gone.  He would go bike all the way to Kageyama’s house, burst in the door, run up to his room, and ask “you love me?”

            Or maybe it would happen slowly.  Suddenly the pain isn’t so great.  The petals come fewer and far between.  He no longer spits petals when he sees Kageyama but when they depart.  One day, the petals would stop.  Hinata wouldn’t even notice until a week later when Kageyama confessed.  Because, after all, Kageyama would never spit flowers where Hinata was concerned.

            But that’s not how it happened.  No, it happened at prelims, where they lost once more due to Hinata being benched.  The team had grown cold to Hinata, but never so that they didn’t pity him.  Kageyama, on the other hand, had had enough.

            “Get over it!  Go tell them, maybe they haven’t thought of you that way!  Did you ever think of that, you dumbass?  You could’ve done this our first year rather than drag it out.”  Kageyama released Hinata from the hold against the wall he had him in.  He took a few steps back and crossed his arms.  Hinata felt the fire flood his cheeks and ears.  Kageyama was right.  If he just told Kageyama how he felt in the first year maybe he wouldn’t have to be in this predicament.  Hinata nodded his head as Kageyama waited.

            “You.  It’s always been you.”

            Hinata didn’t chance to look up to see Kageyama’s reaction.  If he did, though, this story might have gone very differently.

            Kageyama’s face was flushed.  His hands were by his side balled into fists.  His mouth was wired shut.  His body was tense.  Anyone else would’ve thought that he was angry.  Only Hinata would’ve been able to see the hope in his eyes.  The hope that Hinata wasn’t lying.  The hope that he could stop Hinata’s pain.  The hope that Kageyama’s crush could blossom into love.

            Instead of saying that, Kageyama walked away.  He left Hinata there to crumble, to break.  After that, Hinata quit the team.  He avoided Kageyama at all costs.  Kageyama quit when he heard Hinata quit.  He avoided Hinata like the plague, refusing to be the first to give in.  After graduation, though, is when Hinata had the procedure.

            The flowers were removed, along with all love for Kageyama.  Whenever Hinata thinks of it, his chest burns, as if they didn’t get all the roots from his lungs.  Based on that scary thought, the thought of going through all that pain again, Hinata chose a college that Kageyama would never go to.  Mainly, because the volleyball team had sucked.  Hinata had searched for the fire to ignite his heart once more in the sport.

            For three years, Hinata endured unimaginable pain in his chest.  He regurgitated flowers and spat blood.  He did his best to continue being the best friend Kageyama could ask for.  In return, he got scars and a hollow heart.

            So, imagine his surprise when he walked into the gym that first day to see Kageyama setting for another student.  Hinata felt sick, the burning in his lungs pulling at him, almost saying “ _look, it’s the boy you spent three years suffering for.  Look, it’s the boy who you pined over.  Look, it’s the boy who never loved you back._ ”

            Kageyama met Hinata’s blank gaze and missed the ball.  He muttered an apology to the team and jogged over to Hinata.

            “Uh, hey, dumbass.”  Kageyama chanced a smile.  Hinata didn’t crack his mask.  Instead, he stared into those blue eyes, the ones that once made them melt.

            “Hey, King.”  Kageyama broke into a grin and pulled Hinata into a hug.  Hinata hesitates for only a moment before wrapping his arms around Kageyama.

            “Why did you choose this college, Kageyama?”  Hinata whispered into his shoulder.  Maybe Hinata really could be friends with Kageyama again.

            Kageyama pulled from the hug and smiled a sad smile.  “Because my spiker chose this college.”  The two laughed a stupid laugh, the one where you hear some great news that makes you sad so you laugh and it almost comes out a cry.  But Hinata was okay.  The burn would go away.  He could be there for Kageyama like he was before Kageyama had to know.

            Hinata nodded and walked to the net to join the team in stretching on the court.  Kageyama’s eyes followed him for a moment until his body shook with a coughing fit.  He covered his mouth with his hand, and, when he pulled it away, he held sunflower petals in his hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty short, it's just meant to show you Kageyama's side so you can see where even more of the angst comes in.  
> i asked a friend on which ending i should do, and the response was, either really happy, or something to make you cry whenever you see a sunflower, but if i do the sad ending, i should have a happy epilogue available to those who request it.  
> so if i do the sad one, i'll find a way to make the epilogue available seperate from this fic.

_Sunflowers.  Irony, you are a cruel mistress._   Kageyama tossed the petals into the trashcan and laid on his bed.  It’s been a week since graduation.  He planned on confessing to Hinata at the ceremony, but the small redhead quickly disappeared in the crowd.  Ever since he began spouting blue petals, the once blinding light had noticeably dimmed.  Kageyama went home that day, angry and frustrated.  He tried to plan out exactly what he would say so that Hinata would understand that Kageyama cared.  He wanted Hinata to know that Kageyama regrets leaving his best friend on the court that day.  He wanted Hinata to know he wanted Hinata too.

            But, instead, a week after graduation Kageyama began to spit sunflower petals.  He heard rumors about some people getting over the disease naturally, without surgery.  Something about them falling out of love.  They said it’s better this way, and worse.  On one hand, you can fall in love with that person again.  On the other hand, you can fall in love with that person again.

            Kageyama even thought about coming to see Hinata.  But, what would he say?  Hinata was sick for three years.  Kageyama was sick for a summer and he could hardly deal with it.  Whatever he said was bound to be unsatisfying and unworthy.  Whatever he said couldn’t compensate for all of the pain Hinata felt for him.

            So, instead, Kageyama decided he would just make sure that they reestablished their normal relationship in college.  Maybe Hinata would see whatever he saw in Kageyama again and the pain would stop.  It was the best that Kageyama could hope for.  It was his only plan.

            So, when Hinata walked into the gym and Kageyama saw him for the first time in months, it hurt.  The petals wanted to come up immediately, and Kageyama missed the ball.  He mumbled an apology and ran to Hinata.  What would he say?  Would Hinata hate him?  What if Hinata doesn’t want to play because Kageyama’s there?

            “Uh, hey, dumbass.”  Kageyama almost made it a question, but kept his voice level, for his own sake.  Hinata didn’t smile, just fixed him with that stare.  It was different than how it was in high school.  Kageyama just wanted his sunshine back.

            “Hey, King.”  The sound of Hinata’s voice, deeper and rougher than first year, saying those words was music to Kageyama’s ears.  He couldn’t even attempt to stop himself from pulling Hinata into a hug.  He felt Hinata stiffen before relaxing in his arms.  There was a time that Hinata wasn’t even tense when they shared a bed.  Kageyama was determined to get to that point again.

            “Why did you choose this college, Kageyama?”  Hinata’s voice was muffled, his head buried in Kageyama’s shoulder.  Kageyama buried his face in the smaller man’s hair.

            _I came because I’m weak._

_I couldn’t deal with this like you did._

_I came because I need you._

_I came because I love you_

            “Because my spiker chose this college.”  Hinata smiled and laughed a bit, but it sounded like he was close to tears.  Kageyama cursed the part of him that was excited by this, because at least that meant that Hinata had _some_ feeling.  Hinata went to stretch with the team and introduce himself.  Kageyama coughed and saw the petals.  He knew he had a lot of things to make up for, and he wouldn’t blame Hinata if he never wanted to see him again, but Kageyama would do anything for Hinata to be happy.  It just so happened that he preferred Hinata to be happy with him.


	3. Chapter 3

Hinata wasn’t stupid.  He read stories about operations gone wrong, where they didn’t remove all of the roots.  They didn’t remove all the feelings.  And, after extensive googling, Hinata lays on his bed and comes to the conclusion that he cannot love Kageyama again.  Not because he couldn’t do the pain again, no, Hinata was too much of a romantic to deny himself love even at the expense of pain.

            Hinata couldn’t love Kageyama again because he knew he wouldn’t survive a second time.

            So, he poured himself into volleyball.

            “Hinata!”

            “To me!” Hinata ran, zero tempo, and jumped.  He climbed, climbed, and climbed.  He looked like a vengeful bird, never to be reckoned with.  All of a sudden, the ball was shot to his hand and it hits the court, just inches in front of the court line.  The duo cheered, but Hinata turned away before Kageyama could hug him, saying something about getting another one.  Kageyama tried to ignore it.

            It was that fateful day that Kageyama spat blood and petals on the court.  It was that fateful day that Hinata realized that there was not a single cell in his body that could allow him to turn away.  So, Hinata walked Kageyama to the bench, pressing a cold rag to the tall boy’s face.  Hinata pulled a stray petal from Kageyama’s chin.

            “Sunflowers, huh?”  Kageyama opened his eyes just a slit and saw Hinata like never before.  Hinata was always the one getting cared for.  He was the one to be doubled over in pain, spitting bloodied poppies, crying over the unrequited love, over the buds that scar his throat.  Kageyama remembers vividly of the one time Hinata explained a reason for his tears that Kageyama had to admit he never thought of.

            “ _It’s just, the idea of this disease sounds beautiful.  Love is beautiful.  But, I feel like I dirty it.  I spit poppies that haven’t bloomed.  I scar them with my gagging.  I cover their color with my blood.  I can’t even love the flowers, because they have no reason to love me back_.”

            Kageyama chuckled.  “Well, at least the petals look okay dyed red.”  Hinata giggles and agrees.  He sits with Kageyama on the bench and rubs his back.  The two ignore what this could mean and watch the game.  They win both sets.

            “HINATA!  KAGEYAMA!”  The two turn to be tackled to the ground by an over-excited Nishinoya.  The three all laugh and hold each other for a moment.

            “Wait, if you’re here…”

            “Asahi, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Daichi, and Suga.  Tsukki and Yamaguchi were busy.  We came to see your first match!”

            The trio finally separate themselves from the floor and join the group that once made up a majority of the high school volleyball team.  Daichi and Suga were attached at the hip as they both tried to control the team.  After twenty minutes of catching up, everyone decides to go for food.  The group finds a ramen place big enough to seat them all.

            Immediately, all the senior players begin to dissect the plays that they saw that day.  They pick out what was good, what needed improvement.  Both Hinata and Kageyama knew what was soon coming.

            “Kageyama, what was wrong on the court?”  Tanaka asked without even realizing the weight of his words.  Ennoshita elbowed him in the side, but it was a moment too late.

            “He has the disease.”  Hinata answers for Kageyama, since Kageyama had been stuffing his face ever since they sat down.  The group stops talking for a moment, but not a long moment since Tanaka was both curious and horrible with social cues.

            “Hinata, didn’t you have it too?  How did that end up?”  Hinata thought about that day on the court.  He thought about seeing Kageyama’s fists balled up by his sides, he thought about seeing those shoes walk away from him.  He thought about going for the operation.

            But, that’s in the past now.  He doesn’t feel it anymore.

            “Yeah, for Kageyama.  I got the operation a week after graduation though.”  There was a choking sound from Kageyama as the rest of the group gasped.  Most people just decided to die if they had the disease.  Getting the operation was risky and even seen as weak.  If there was one thing Hinata wasn’t, it was weak.

            Kageyama continued coughing for a moment before composing himself.  He turned to Hinata.  “You had the operation?”  There was an indiscernible pain in his eyes.  Well, indiscernible to the regular person.  Hinata would’ve seen it if he _just looked up_.

            “Yeah, but I’m not sure of how well they did.  You know, they can mess up.  Sometimes they take all your emotions with the roots.  Sometimes they don’t take all the roots.  I guess I’ve been kind of scared to find out how well they did.”  Hinata eats his ramen as if nothing were happening, and the group eats their ramen as if it were popcorn, just watching the duo.

            “I didn’t know.”  Kageyama stops trying to catch Hinata’s eye.  He stops trying to silently ask for help.  Hinata can’t love him.  Now Kageyama has his own choice to make.  Kageyama gathers his things to go when he feels a hand on his shoulder.  It’s Hinata.

            “It’s okay.  It doesn’t hurt anymore, so we can go back to old times.  I’ll still be your ace.”  Hinata flashes Kageyama a smile that makes his heart skip a beat.  Kageyama nods and gathers his things, muttering something about having something to do.   He retreats from the group to regurgitate sunflower petals outside the shop.  This was going to be hell.

            Kageyama spent the next few weeks only doing the bare minimum.  The team won matches, and he went to class and practice, but then he immediately went to his dorm.  There had to be a way for Hinata to love him again.  Kageyama refused to believe that this was over.  He searched for ways to find out if Hinata had any chance of loving him again.  Most searches ended up disappointing him.

            Finally, after three weeks of pure research, Kageyama found what he was searching for.

            _If the roots are not correctly removed, you can tell if this is the case if the patient coughs and regurgitates petals at the scent of the flower they used to regurgitate.  For example, if John used to regurgitate rose petals, he would do so once again once smelling a rose._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man sorry this took so long, i got contacted by a publishing company about setting a deadline for my book, so i had to get that finished!  
> tumblr @flyingdickbag


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one is super short, but it heads up everything for the next chapter. i think this work will end in two chapters. i'm sorry it's short, but it's something!

Hinata continued his schoolwork and sport oblivious to Kageyama’s scheming.  Much to Kageyama’s dismay, Hinata showed no interest.  Kageyama wracked his brain, trying to figure out how he even got so lucky to get Hinata to love him in the first place.  Kageyama had always been a mess, and he was never one to be too sweet to Hinata.  Finally, Kageyama figured out a plan.

            “Hinata, can you come over tonight?”  Hinata’s brows furrowed before he turned around to see Kageyama.

            “For what?”

            “Well, my roommate is going out tonight for a party, so I figured we could watch some old plays, order pizza, just hang out.”  Kageyama looked down, kicking his toe into the dirt.  “Like old times.”

            Hinata smiled.  Old times.  Kageyama knew just how to reel him in.

            “Yeah, I’ll be there at seven.  You want me to pick up anything?”

            Kageyama smiled a small and shy smile.  “No, I’ll have everything.”

            Step one completed.

            Hinata arrived promptly at seven, ushering in snacks and blankets to make a comfy nest on the floor.  Kageyama had pizza, wine, and candles waiting.  Though it felt oddly like a date, Hinata was oblivious, which you’ll find is a theme in their story.

            The two sat down and made merry.  They watched videos and ate pizza.  Once they broke out the wine, the videos became less about the plays and more about the funny faces people did, or about the many faceplants executed expertly.  The two guffawed, leaning on each other more and more with every sip.  Eventually, both grew tired of the videos and settled for just talking.

            Kageyama had smartly cut himself off at two glasses of wine, but Hinata had no control around merlot.  Kageyama waited for what would inevitably happen.

            He waited until he spewed petals.

            Hinata cooed over him, holding Kageyama and rocking him back and forth.

            “Hinata,” Kageyama hoarsely whispered, “what did I do that made you love me?”

            Hinata hummed in acknowledgement and thought long and hard about Kageyama’s question.  So long and hard, in fact, that Kageyama had to jostle Hinata for Hinata to answer.

            “It was your eyes.”

            “My eyes?”

            “And your hair, and how you played, and your attitude, and your love for milk, and how hard you pushed me, and how you always kept me grounded, it was just you Kageyama.  It was you.”

            Kageyama laid in silence in Hinata’s lap, grateful that he could blame his tears on the roots engulfing his lungs.  He couldn’t do this again.  He couldn’t tell Hinata he loved him.  He couldn’t tell Hinata to fall in love with him again.  He wouldn’t do that.

            Because all the reasons Hinata gave for loving Kageyama are all the reasons Kageyama has for loving Hinata.

**Author's Note:**

> lol can u see the angst.  
> anyways i hope you guys enjoy this, i intend on writing a few chapters, but this will be a relatively short work.  
> short, but painful.  
> like me.  
> anyway, my tumblr is @flyingdickbag i hope you guys enjoy this! if you want to do some art to be linked to this, hit me up on my tumblr or on here and we can figure some stuff out.  
> also, if you have questions about hanahaki disease, i'd be happy to explain it. my au may work differently from others you have read!!


End file.
